


Missing You

by PhanNotebook



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 14:31:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11315370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhanNotebook/pseuds/PhanNotebook
Summary: Phil goes away to visit an old friend for a few days. Dan misses him desperately and struggles to fill the time he is gone. Set just after Dan & Phil return from Florida, 2017.





	1. Chapter 1

Dan woke to find Phil’s head nuzzled against his bare chest, both his arms wrapped tightly around Dan’s stomach. Dan smiled, feeling Phil’s warm arms by his sides, his soft hair against against his back, his smooth hair on his chest. Had they been like this all night? Dan remembered hopping into bed before Phil last night. He must have fallen asleep before Phil joined him. A smile spread across Dan’s face as he imagined Phil getting into bed and holding Dan close as he tried to fall asleep. He wished he hadn’t slept through it.

“Morning Bear,” Phil said, tilting his head to look up at Dan.

“Oh hey,” Dan smiled, gazing into the depths of Phil’s blue eyes. “I didn’t realise you were awake!”

“Sorry, I was just enjoying hugging you,” Phil smiled.

“Have we been like this all night?” Dan asked.

“Yeah, it was like you were in hibernation,” Phil chuckled. “I was surprised I didn’t wake you from hugging you so tight.” Phil began to loosen his hold on Dan’s stomach.

“Hey, don’t stop, I only just started to enjoy this hug,” Dan complained. “You had all night.”

“It’s not my fault you’re such a heavy sleeper,” Phil said. “Besides, I have to get ready, my train leaves soon.”

“Do you have to go?” Dan moaned.

“Yeah,” Phil said, “I mean, I said I would. I haven’t seen Rob in years, and it’s his 30th birthday.”

“But I’ll miss you” Dan groaned.

“I’ll miss you too, Dan” Phil sighed. “You could still come.”

“But then I’d have go outside, and interact with people” Dan complained. “I mean, normally I would put up with that, for some more Phil time, but I’m just still so exhausted from Florida.”

“I know you are Dan,” Phil let go of Dan’s stomach, and wriggled up the bed to place a kiss on Dan’s forehead. “I think it’s a good idea you stay home. You can have all that alone time you need to recover.”

“Yeah, but I like my alone time to be with you,” Dan said.

“That’s not exactly what alone time means Bear,” Phil laughed.

“That’s exactly what alone time means to me, Philly.” Phil laughed, and pulled Dan in to his arms again.

“I love you so much,” Phil whispered, and began peppering Dan with kisses. Dan giggled, as Phil kissed his neck, his ears, his cheeks.

“I love you more,” Dan moaned, and met Phil’s kiss on his lips. Dan grabbed Phil’s other hand, intertwining their fingers. Phil’s hand was so soft and delicate, and fit so perfectly in his own. Phil squeezed back, and Dan wished he would never let go. They kissed, deeply and passionately, Phil’s touch becoming Dan’s only thought. Minutes passed, beautiful minutes of being surrounded by Phil’s love, but then Phil pulled away.

“Hey,” Dan said sadly, leaning in for another kiss.

“I should really get ready,” Phil said, sitting up. He lifted Dan’s hand and gave his fingers a soft kiss before letting go. He gave Dan a quick kiss on the head before darting into the bathroom to get ready. Dan jumped up and followed him. He wasn’t letting Phil out of his sight until he left.  
  
“You going to watch me get ready Bear?” Phil laughed, taking off his glasses and putting in his contact lenses.

“Can I?” Dan asked, taking a set on the side of the bath.

“If you really want,” Phil replied, snapping his glasses case shut, “but I have to shower in a minute,”

“I don’t mind,” Dan smirked.

“Dan,” Phil laughed.

“Hey, I won’t get to see you at all tomorrow,” Dan raised his hands in the air and shrugged.

“Dan, you’re not watching me in the shower, I’ll get distracted”

“Please,” Dan begged.

“No,” Phil rolled his eyes.

“What if I don’t watch you, but I just sit here,” Dan suggested.

“You’re not going to leave are you?” Phil said as he took off his pyjama top and dropped it on the floor.

“No” Dan smiled.

“Fine, whatever,” Phil said, taking off his pants and throwing them at Dan. Dan marveled at Phil’s beauty as he climbed into the shower. Dan’s heart began to ache at the thought of him leaving.

“What am I going to do without you here,” Dan complained, as he watched Phil scrub his body.

“Weren’t you telling me last night you had 14 emails to respond to,” Phil asked.

“Yeah but I’m too exhausted to even contemplate opening any of them,” Dan groaned.

“Well just go on Tumblr, play Mario Kart, practice the Yuri On Ice song,” Phil suggested.

“I guess,” Dan sighed. “But I like doing all those things with you beside me.”

“Well we have a whole lot of Phil plushies, I’m sure they can sit with you,”

“Phil,” Dan rolled his eyes.

“Or you could have some of my videos playing in the background the whole time I’m gone,”

“It’s not the same,” Dan said, “Besides I’ve already watched them all like 18000 times.”  
Phil laughed and turned off the shower.

“I’ll miss you too, Dan.” Phil sad sadly as he reached for a towel.

“I know,” Dan sighed, Dan could already felt his chest tighten at thought of Phil going. He knew it was only a couple days, but Phil was his other half. He needed him, even when they weren’t talking, his presence made Dan feel whole. Dan felt his eyes water. Crap, he couldn’t let Phil see him cry, that would only make Phil cry too. He looked down in the hopes Phil wouldn’t notice.

“Oh no, I have to leave in 5 minutes,” Phil said checking the time. “Hey, could you chuck my pyjamas in my bag and zip it up while I dry my hair?”

“Sure,” Dan said, jumping up before Phil could look him in the eyes. Dan grabbed Phil’s pyjamas, and inhaled them deeply as he walked back into their bedroom. He hastily wiped his eyes as he placed the pyjamas them in Phil’s overnight bag. He was about to zip it up but then he remembered Phil joking about the Phil plushies. Without really thinking about why he was doing it, Dan grabbed his Dan plushie from his bedside table, and stuffed it under Phil’s pyjamas then wrote a quick note: _Hug him if you miss me. Love you. Bear x_

Dan heard Phil turn off the hairdryer. He hurriedly zipped up Phil’s bag and dropped the pen on the floor, hoping Phil wouldn’t notice the missing Dan plushie.  
“I love you” Phil said, leaning in to hug Dan. Dan’s eyes grew watery, as he felt Phil’s warm arms close around him.

“Have a lovely time,” Dan said, trying to hide the sadness in his voice .Phil pulled away, but didn’t look at Dan in the eye. Dan hoped he wasn’t trying to hide tears too, but he knew he probably was.

“Thanks.” Phil said as they moved apart.

“I love you Phil,” Dan said, as he and Phil walked down the hallway to the front door. _Don’t cry, Dan._ He told himself.

“See you in two days,” Phil said unlocking the door. _See, it’s just two days._

“See you then,” Dan said his voice wavering as Phil stepped outside their apartment. His vision blurred, and Dan bit his lip as he tried to hold back his tears.

“I love you,” Phil said waving, then reaching to close the door. Dan felt his eyelashes grow damp, _No don’t cry now!_ Dan thought.

“I love you too,” Dan said. Phil smiled as he locked the door behind him. _Okay, you can cry now_. Dan told himself, and the tears cascaded down his cheeks.


	2. Chapter 2

Dan walked back to their bedroom and collapsed on his bed, letting the tears fall. The room felt so different without Phil in it, as if he had taken all the colour and warmth away with him. Dan grabbed Phil’s pillow and hugged it tight to his chest, smelling Phil’s lingering scent. _It’s only two days._ Dan reminded himself, so why did he feel so empty? Why did he feel as if all his happiness had been drained from him? It was only two days! But no matter how long they were apart, Dan always felt like there was a piece of him missing when Phil wasn’t around. Just knowing Phil was on a train getting further and further away from him made it impossible for Dan to think of anything else.   _It’s just two days Dan,_ he told himself again, as he sat up and reached for some tissues. Phil wouldn’t want him to spend this whole time moping. Plus, Dan knew he would call this evening, and he didn’t want to have to tell Phil he’d spent the whole day in bed, so he decided to at least try to do something to distract himself. Phil’s voice echoed in his mind:  _Play Mario Kart, Go on Tumblr, Practice the Yuri on Ice Song!_ Well, there was his day planned for him, time to get started. 

Dan got up to leave the room, but as he did he noticed their Phil plushie sitting on the bedside table. It looked sort of lonely without the Dan plushie beside it. Laughing at himself, Dan picked up the Phil plushie and took it downstairs to the gaming room. He placed it on Phil’s chair and laughed at how tiny it was compared to the real thing. Dan knew Phil had been joking, but it was actually reassuring to have the tiny Phil with him. Dan loaded up Mario Kart but was immediately distracted by the Tanooki Mario character. Every time it drove past Dan it just reminded him of Phil, and Dan would fall of the track as he got lost in thought. After coming last three times in a row Dan gave up and decided to go on Tumblr instead. His dashboard was the usual combination of memes, aesthetics and of course, pictures and art of himself and Phil. He added some things to his queue, but soon became overwhelmed by all beautiful Dan and Phil art, all the gifs of himself staring at Phil. He wished he could stare at Phil now. He sighed and shut his laptop. 

After a quick (and lonely) lunch, Dan decided to continue learning the Yuri on Ice theme on the piano, placing the Phil plushie on the piano as he sat down. Dan had been finding it really hard, and Phil always made it even harder, by singing along in the background. Maybe, without Phil here, he would finally make some progress. However, a few hours later Dan had found that without Phil’s singing (and constant giggling as Dan him to shut up) he couldn’t learn at all. 

It seemed pointless trying to do anything, so Dan grabbed Phil plushie and got into Phil’s side of the bed and cried. Nothing could stop him thinking about Phil, so it was easier to just accept it and let all his emotions flow.  Even though he knew it was useless and pointless, that crying would only make the time apart feel longer, Dan just couldn’t find the energy to do anything else.

Many hours passed, and Dan’s phone started ringing from his bedside table. A smile spread across his face when he saw it was Phil on a video call.

“Hey,” Dan said, smiling at his boyfriend through the screen. .

“Dan! Hey, I just finished dinner,” Phil said, waving at Dan. “I wanted to check you were okay,”

Dan didn’t say anything. He certainly didn’t feel okay, but he didn’t want to tell Phil. He hated to make Phil feel bad for going away for a few days. It should be fine, Dan was nearly 26 years old he should be able to function on his own. It wasn’t Phil’s fault he couldn’t.

“Dan?” Phil asked, concern etched on his face.

“Oh yeah, sorry, just thinking,” Dan stuttered.

“Bear, I’m really worried about you. You seem so sad, is everything okay?”

“Oh, what?” Dan said, attempting to make his voice cheery. “I’m fine.”

“Dan, it’s me your talking to here,” Phil said. “Please tell me.”

“Sorry,’ Dan said. “I just miss you loads, I didn’t want to make you feel bad for leaving.”

“Aww Dan,” Phil said, smiling. “I miss you too. What have you been up to today?”

“Um,” Dan said. “Not much.”

“Did you spend the whole day on Tumblr?” Phil laughed.

“Err, some of it,” Dan said.  “How’s your day been,” he said, wanting to quickly change the topic.

“It’s been great actually!” Phil said, launching into various tales including awkward encounters with train passengers, getting lost on the way to his friend’s house and accidentally spilling a bottle of coke everywhere. “I don’t think anyone really wanted coke, so no harm done. Well, they might need to get the carpet cleaned…”

“Phil, you’re never going to get invited back.” Dan laughed.

“Well, I mean, they asked me to open the coke, so really it’s their fault,” Phil laughed. “So, what are you doing tomorrow?”

“Oh,” Dan said, remembering suddenly that Phil wasn’t going to be home tomorrow either. “I don’t know.” 

“You could get started on that rebranding list,” Phil joked.

“What start growing my third arm?” Dan asked.

“Well, maybe not,” Phil laughed. “I’m sure you’ll think of something,”  
Dan murmured agreement, even though he expected he would spend the whole day in bed, thinking of how much he missed Phil.

“Anyway, I probably have to get some sleep. Rob wants to go for a breakfast at 7am! Can you believe it? Who voluntarily gets up that early!”

Dan laughed. “Well I hope the breakfast is good at least,”

“If they don’t have pancakes, or waffles at least, I’m suing.” Phil said. “Also, I think Rob wants to go for a walk afterwards, so I probably won’t be able to call you until lunch, okay?”

“Sure, I probably won’t be awake until 12 anyway,” Dan said, although he wasn’t sure he’d get much sleep at all with his aching heart.

“Perfect. I can join you for breakfast at a respectable time,” Phil said. “Well, I miss you loads, Bear. I’m going to have trouble sleeping without your squishy tummy to cuddle.”

Dan felt his cheeks redden, so stuffed his face into the pillow so Phil couldn’t see, but that probably only made it more obvious.

“Aww, sorry to embarrass you Bear, but I do love your tummy. And that blush of yours, stop looking so cute, you’re gonna make me cry since I can’t touch those cheeks.”

“Phil,” Dan protested, feeling his cheeks blush harder. “Hey, have you got changed for bed yet?” Dan asked, suddenly remembering the Dan plushie he’d stuffed in his bag.

“No, why?” Phil asked. 

“Oh you’ll see,” Dan promised.

“What?” Phil said. “I’m scared now, did you keep my pyjamas? Will I have to sleep naked?”

“No!” Dan laughed. “It’s a nice surprise, trust me.” 

“Ok,” Phil said but he still looked uncertain. “Well I love you.”

“I love you more,” Dan said.

“I’ll call you around 12, ok?” Phil said waving to the screen.

“Perfect. I can’t wait.” Dan smiled.

“Love you,” Phil said, waving as he ended the video called.

Dan sighed, although this was a happy sigh, filled with love for his boyfriend. He replayed the conversation in his mind, laughing at all of Phil’s stories. Oh, how he loved Phil.  

Dan checked the time. It was only 9pm, but crying all day did tend to leave him exhausted, so he got ready for bed. He wished Phil were here, he hated sleeping without him. He picked up the Phil plushie, and hugged them it as if it were Phil. Just as he was about to drift off to sleep he heard his phone buzz beside him.

_Phil: Aww, Bear, I can’t believe you thought to pack me a Dan plushie! You’re the best. He’s a little smaller than you, but at least I can hug a Dan as I go to sleep tonight. He even smells like you!_

Dan smiled and text back

Dan: _I know you were joking, but I’ve been hugging your Phil plushie all day_

Phil: _wow, I never thought I’d be jealous of a plushie_

Dan: _me neither_

Phil: _I love you more though, this Dan isn’t very good at hugging back_

Dan: _sorry, I should have taught him my ways before sending him off_

Phil: _haha, well goodnight Bear_

Dan: _night Phil. I love you_

Phil: _and I love you_

Dan placed his phone on the bedside table, squeezed his Phil plushie, and went off to sleep with a smile.


	3. Chapter 3

As soon as Dan woke up the next morning, he was painfully aware that Phil was not beside him. Dan usually woke up to find Phil’s arm over his shoulders, their legs tangled together or even just a few entwined fingers. However, today Dan looked down to find he was only grasping the tiny Phil plushie, rather than the real Phil’s warm hand. Dan felt a pang of sadness in his chest as he realised he couldn’t share any of his morning pondering with Phil and that he wasn’t about to hear a half hour description of all Phil’s crazy dreams.

Dan glanced at the clock and was shocked to find it was only 7am. 7am! He never woke up this early, and Phil wouldn’t be calling for another 5 hours! What was he meant to do until then? He half-hardheartedly tried to get back to sleep, but he was painfully aware of Phil’s absence. He ran through possibilities in his mind, but it became increasingly clear that any activity would remind him of Phil. He needed to distract himself for a few hours, but what could possibly work?

_He could go for a run!_ Perfect! If he went to the gym, he wouldn’t be reminded of Phil, because it was never a place they went together. Plus, the running would use all his energy, so he couldn’t possibly think of anything else, (well, apart from trying to not to eject his own lungs.) Feeling pretty satisfied with his decision, Dan sat up and checked his phone. A message from Phil! He smiled just at the sight of Phil’s name on his lock screen.

_Phil: Morning Bear! I’m at breakfast and they have pancakes! Yay! Can’t wait to talk at 12. Love you_

_Dan: well that’s a relief I checked and I’m not sure we could afford a lawsuit at the moment love you more_

Dan sent a quick response, ate a quick bowl of cereal and got dressed for his run. Then he grabbed his phone and a water bottle and left for the gym. Upon arriving, Dan was pleased to find there were only a couple other people there. Dan had walked out of gyms more times than he could count after being intimidated by the other people there. He spotted the treadmill, adjusted the settings, put on a political podcast and started a light jog.

Running was exhausting! Dan had forgotten just how much energy it drained. By the end of an hour Dan was surprised to find he had barely even thought about Phil. A little, of course, but he wasn’t wallowing in self-despair. Plus, now it was only two hours until Phil would be calling!

Dan headed home and undressed for the shower. He felt rather proud of himself. He’d just been for an hour run! Phil would be so impressed. By 11:30, Dan had his laptop open and Skype ready, just in case Phil called early. He scrolled through Tumblr while he waited for Phil to call, this time smiling at all the pictures where he and Phil looked in love. He even had to refrain himself from liking a piece of art which showed him and Phil kissing. He liked to think he looked that good when he was kissing in real life. Dan was so engrossed in looking at the drawing, that he nearly dropped his laptop when Phil’s call came through. 

“Hi!” Dan said, answering the call, while re-balancing his laptop on his knee.

“You sound surprised, did you forget I was calling?” Phil pouted.

“No of course not,” Dan shook his head. “I’ve been ready for half an hour, I just got distracted scrolling through tumblr…”

“Ahhh, see anything worth sharing?”

“What? No, nothing” Dan shook his head, not wanting to share what he’d been looking at. Phil didn’t always share his love of the phanart that clearly shipped them. Dan couldn’t understand why, there were together after all, but Phil seemed to find it creepy so Dan generally avoided bringing it up. 

“Well, now I’m worried,” Phil said.

“Just like, shippy, phanart stuff,” Dan admitted, hoping Phil hadn’t jumped to a worse conclusion.

“Ahh,” Phil said. “What were we doing?”

“Kissing,” Dan mumbled.

“Well, all I’ll say is, I wish we were kissing now.” Phil laughed. “So have you just had breakfast?”

“Actually, you’re never going to believe it Phil,” Dan said, remembering his earlier excitement about telling Phil. “I went for a run.”

“Already! Wow! Normally you’re just waking up,” Phil laughed.

“I know!” Dan smiled. “I was just lying in bed, and then I was like, you know what, I’m going for a run, and then I did.”

“Wow, Dan, I’m impressed. How far did you run?”

“10k”

“Oh my gosh, I’m so proud of you!” Phil said.

“Thanks,” Dan said, blushing.

“Are you blushing?” Phil smiled.

“Yes,” Dan said, blushing harder since Phil pointed it out again. “Stop mentioning it, you know I can’t control it.”

“And I can’t control the way my heart races when I see your blush.”

Normally, Dan would have rolled his eyes at a comment like that, but being away from Phil made Dan just want to hug him.

“Smooth,” Dan laughed. “So how were your pancakes?”

“Well,” Phil said. “The pancakes were pretty standard, but, they didn’t come with any maple syrup! ”

“No!” Dan said in mock horror.

“Stop it, you,” Phil laughed. “I was actually quite upset! I mean the whole point of having pancakes is to have the maple syrup. I couldn’t even complain, since everybody else was having like salads and stuff”

“Who are these people Phil? 7am and salads for breakfast? You need to get home before they start changing you into a normal functioning human being.”

“Says Mr-I-went-for-a-10k-run-this-morning,” Phil mocked.

“Ooooh,” Dan said, unable to come back with a retort.

“But, no honestly, I’m proud of you for going for that run. I should really get back into running myself….as much as I hate exercise,” Phil laughed. 

“Yeah running is awful…” Dan said.

“Well then why did you go for a run this morning?” 

“I don’t really know, I just woke up and you weren’t here and everything reminded me of you, so I decided to do something that wouldn’t remind me of you,” Dan paused, “so I went to the gym.”

“Hey, I go to the gym!” Phil said defensively, then added, “occasionally.”

“Not since Kyle happened,” Dan laughed.

“Hey! We agreed not to bring that up.”

“Well that didn’t work for the vomit and won’t work for me,”

“Well I did swallow it back down,” Phil said, then laughed at Dan’s repulsed expression. “It wasn’t my fault!”  

“Of course it wasn’t, I’m still so angry at the Kyle jerk,”

“Oh well, I got a good video out of it.”

They laughed together for a few moments, and suddenly a sadness settled in Dan’s heart, wishing he could reach through the screen and touch Phil.

“Well, I better get going,” Phil said. Dan felt like his heart was sinking through his chest. “We are having lunch soon, then we have to set up from the party, and then the party…which means there probably won’t be any time for me to call you tonight,”

“What about after the party?” Dan asked, panicking at the thought of not being able to talk to Phil again until the next day. 

“I can if you want, but I have no idea what time, it probably won’t be until 2 or 3am….but I’ll text you what’s happening okay?

“Okay,” Dan sighed, wishing that Phil was home already. 

“I love you Dan, just think, this time tomorrow I’ll be nearly home!”

“I know,” Dan said, but tomorrow still felt a lifetime away. 

“So what are you going to do for the rest of the day?”

“I don’t know,” Dan admitted, realizing it wasn’t even lunchtime. 

“Well, weren’t you hoping to make a new video before VidCon?” 

“Yeah…” Dan said slowly. 

“Well, I expect you to tell me at least one idea when I get home, okay?” Phil insisted. 

“What if I can’t come up with any?” Dan said.

“You can come up with at least one, even if it’s horrible and you don’t end up making it, just start thinking about it, okay? You don’t want to be stressed out the week we are leaving…like with every other trip.” 

“I’m a procrastinator, I know,” Dan rolled his eyes.

“Okay, well I love you Dan,” Phil said smiling. 

“I love you too,” Dan said. 

“I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

“Have fun at the party,” Dan said, chest tightening as he knew Phil was about to disconnect the call.

“Yeah, I’ll try not to spill any coke this time,” Phil giggled. 

“Good luck,” Dan said then gave a hallow laugh, trying to stop himself crying.

“Bye Bear,” Phil waved.

“Bye,” Dan said as Phil ended the Skype call. Dan saw the _Call ended_ screen and clenched his face. _There’s no need to cry_ , he told himself, then exited Skype. However, he’d forgotten what he’d been looking at before the Skype call. Dan took one glance at the Tumblr image of himself and Phil kissing and burst into tears.


	4. Chapter 4

Dan spent the next half hour sobbing, wishing Phil was beside him, wishing he could hold his hand or touch his face. Even though it had only been moments since they finished their call, Dan already had a thousand new things he wanted to say to Phil. _Pull yourself together,_ he told himself. _He’ll be back tomorrow._ But by this stage, the familiar emptiness had already settled in his chest, and the day was looking very long indeed. Dan sighed, remembering that Phil had told him to start working on a new video. He opened his video ideas file, but none of the ideas felt right. Dan closed the file and spent a few minutes staring at his desktop screen. Then Dan did something he had promised Phil he would never do (at least not on his own): he opened Tumblr, typed in _Daniel Howell_ and hit search.

Dan’s heart clenched at every gif of himself and Phil, with every picture, every piece of art depicting them together. Why was he doing this to himself? He didn’t know, but he kept scrolling anyway. He came across all the phan theories, which usually made him laugh, but today they only served as further reminders that Phil wasn’t with him. As he scrolled deeper through the tag he began to see people criticizing him for the things he said in his latest liveshow, reasons why they didn’t like his latest video, complaints about the way Dan acts with Phil. Suddenly Dan started to panic, was this how his audience really saw him? He kept scrolling, dismissing all the nice posts, freaking out over every word disapproval. After being on Youtube for so long, Dan really should have been able to ignore this kind of thing, but when people called him out on his flaws and didn’t like his content, it was hard not to feel upset and overwhelmed. Dan, despite his distress, kept scrolling and came across a series of posts about himself and Phil:

_Dan always talks mentions Phil his whole liveshow, but Phil like never talks about Dan…_

_Dan’s always so mean to Phil, like Phil looked so upset in the last gaming video_

_Phil went away on his own probably to get a break from Dan lol_

Deep down, Dan knew that none of these comments were true, but in his already frantic stage of mind, they latched onto his thoughts and wouldn’t let go. Was he too mean to Phil? Phil always seemed to find it funny, but what if he was really hurting him? Did Phil go on a break to get away from him? Maybe Phil was sick of him. Dan closed his laptop, feeling miserable, however by this stage, he was too exhausted to cry. Instead, he rolled off the couch and lay down on the floor, thousands of thoughts swirling through his mind. If people weren’t happy with the content he was making was there any point? Did it matter that he cared what people thought of him? What if Phil really go away to take a break from Dan? What if Phil didn’t like him as much anymore?

Questions swirled around in Dan’s head for hours, and Dan knew there was no chance of doing anything even slightly productive. The questions led to more questions, to deeper questions, causing Dan to ponder the point of ever doing anything…if they were all going to die in the end. Dan had reached full existential crisis mode, from which he knew there would be absolutely no escaping. The only thing that could ever help Dan out of an existential crisis wasn’t here: Phil.

Phil would see Dan face down on the floor, and lie down next to him, saying nothing. He’d reach out and hold Dan’s hand just to let him know he was there. And he’d wait, until Dan had worked through things enough in his mind to say ‘hey’ and Phil would ask him if he wanted to talk. And they’d talk, on the floor for hours, until Dan was smiling again. Then Phil would make a joke and Dan would laugh. Phil would offer to get food and they’d eat on the couch and watch a relaxing tv show. But Phil wasn’t here now. Dan thought about calling him, but the comment burned in his mind….maybe Phil did want a break from him.

Many more hours passed, although Dan was only marking the passage of time from the darkness that crept into their living room. It occurred to him that he hadn’t checked his phone in hours, but it was on the couch, and Dan really didn’t feel like moving. Dan probably would have stayed there in the dark all night if his phone screen hadn’t suddenly lit up the room. He lifted his head up to see Phil’s name on the screen, and despite his earlier fears about Phil, Dan leaped up to answer the call.

“Hey,” he mumbled into the receiver, his voice tired from misuse.

“Dan are you okay?” Phil asked, his voice concerned.

“Why do you ask?” Dan said, wondering how Phil could know Dan really wasn’t okay.

“Well, you didn’t respond to the three messages I sent you…” Phil said.

“Oh, sorry, I honestly didn’t even see them,” Dan sighed, feeling awful. What if Phil had needed him in the hours Dan had been in full crisis mode?

“What’s happened Dan? You sound so sad?”

“It’s nothing,” Dan said, not wanting to admit what he had been doing

“Dan, please tell me.”

“Well,” Dan began, already knowing Phil’s reaction. “I was scrolling through my Tumblr tag.”

“Dan!” Phil gasped. “I thought we agreed to never do that alone.”

“Sorry,” Dan sighed.

“Whatever you saw in there, whatever upset you, it’s not true. People make up crazy rumors, anyone criticizing you for anything has no idea what they are talking about.”

“But they do Phil! They can see my flaws, and they point them out. If no one is liking my content what is the point of even making it? I feel like everyone hates me. Including you.”

Phil was silent for a few moments.

“Oh, Bear. My beautiful Bear,” he said, and tears began to leak down Dan’s cheeks. “I promise you they don’t hate you. And you know that I love you more than anything in the world.”

“But did you leave to take a break from me?” Dan sobbed.

“What?” Phil asked, exasperated. “Did you read that on Tumblr?”

“Well, yeah, but is it true?”

“Of course not Dan! You know people make these kind of things up!”

“But,” Dan cried. Then all the reasons he’d been turning over in his head for hours stumbled out. “You went away at such short notice, and then you wanted me to stay home, and usually you call me five times a day when you are away, but we’ve hardly talked at all…”

“Dan, stop.” Phil interrupted him. “You know why it was short notice. You know that I wanted you to stay home because I knew you needed the time to rest.”

They were silent for a few moments, and Dan was beginning to feel horribly guilty for the things he’d said those things to Phil. Phil shouldn’t have to call him five times a day, Phil should be having a nice time but Dan continued to ruin it for him. Dan was about to apologise, when Phil started speaking again.

“Sorry I haven’t called more,” Phil muttered. “It’s just that, I don’t know why, but I just miss you so much more than usual this trip. I know it’s only two days, and I’m home tomorrow…but my heart has been aching this whole time. Talking to you has just made me miss you more. I know that talking makes it easier for you, but this time it’s just made it so hard for me. When we finish talking, I feel like I just can’t breathe without you…so I haven’t been calling as much, I’m sorry Dan.”

“Oh Phil!” Dan said, feeling like his insides had just turned to liquid. He had no idea their calls were making it harder for Phil. He heard Phil crying through the phone. “Hey, it’s ok. Phil, we’re ok. Don’t be sorry. I should be the one who’s sorry. I didn’t know that it was so hard for you. I just, I mean I assumed, since you know, we usually, but then tumblr…” Dan tried to explain himself, but he couldn’t even string a proper sentence together.

“Sorry,” Phil said between sobs. “I don’t know why I’ve been such a wreck this trip…”

“You’ve been a wreck? I’ve been a wreck. I’ve spent the last two days moping around the apartment, not being able to do anything, since I’ve missed you so much.”

“I barely even talked to my friends since I missed you so much” Phil admitted.

“I went to the freaking gym since I missed you so much,” Dan said, and they both started laughing through their tears.

“Okay, you win.” Phil laughed. “But why has it been so hard this time? Like, I’ve been away from you for weeks before and it hasn’t been this hard…”

“I don’t know,” Dan said. “Maybe it’s just because it’s the first time all year we’ve been apart”

“Yeah, maybe,” Phil said but sounded unconvinced. Dan didn’t really believe that either. No, he knew the real reason he missed Phil so much was because he just felt so much closer to Phil recently. Ever since they finished touring they had been talking about the future, their future, and Dan had realised, more than ever, he never wanted to be apart from Phil.

“I know we’ve always been close,” Dan began to say, “but this year I just feel so much closer to you. Like you are part of me,”

“I know, I feel like I’m missing half of myself,” Phil said.

“God, we sound so cringey,” Dan laughed.

“But it’s true,” Phil said.

“I know,” Dan smiled, and let a silence fall between them.  

“Well,” Phil sniffed, breaking the silence. “I should probably get back to the party. After all, it is the reason we’ve been forced apart. ”

“Well, try to have fun,” Dan said. “And, you don’t have to worry about calling tonight, if it’s too hard. I think I will go to bed soon, and then you’ll be back soon after I wake,”

“I’ll see how everything goes, but I love you Dan. I promise I’m not trying to avoid you,” Phil said.

“I know. I was being stupid,” Dan said.

“Now, you have to promise me you won’t be scrolling through our tags again, okay?” Phil begged.

“I won’t,” Dan said.

“Good. I’ll text you later.”

“I love you,” Dan said.

“I love you more,” Phil said then hung up.

Dan felt much better after the phonecall, but he hated to think Phil probably felt worse now. Phil was always so good at appearing positive, it was easy to forget that Phil struggled just as much as him at times. Phil had seemed fine on the phone, but Dan knew Phil was very practiced in pretending he was okay, especially when he was at his worst.  He had probably been trying to sound happy for Dan, since he knew Dan missed him so much. He wished he had known how Phil had been feeling. He felt so guilty for doubting Phil. Of course he wasn’t trying to get away from him, how could Dan have believed that for a second?

It was already late, so Dan made himself a quick snack, and then headed to bed, knowing the time until he saw Phil would pass quicker if he just slept through it. He got into bed hoping he wouldn’t wake before Phil arrived home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of the tumblr comments were real - I wrote them for the fic but I certainly don’t think those things of Dan and Phil! I hope they never have to read stuff like that :(


	5. Chapter 5

When Dan woke up the next morning, his entire body ached - his legs, his back, his stomach, even his arms felt a little stiff. How could he be so sore after one run? He tried to wriggle his legs under the bed sheets but they immediately cramped up. He rolled over to check the time but gasped as he felt a stabbing pain through his back. If he could barely even roll over, how was he meant to get out of bed?

On top of the physical pain, Phil’s absence also filled Dan’s heart with loneliness. Dan wished he could just travel to the time when Phil was beside him again. Seeing as it was already 9am, Phil would be on the train now, and had probably text Dan. Heart beating in excitement, he reached for his phone and then smiled when he found four texts from Phil waiting for him.

Phil _: Goodnight Bear. I think you are probably asleep, but goodnight anyway! I didn’t spill any coke this time! I just dropped a stack of 8 boxes of pizza on the floor. People still ate them though! Love you!_

Phil: _The pizzas not the boxes_

Phil: _Morning Bear! I doubt you are awake but who knows after you went to the gym yesterday morning. I stole some of Rob’s cereal for breakfast. It didn’t taste as good as yours._

Phil: _Well I’m on the train! Yay! I’ll see you so soon! I can’t wait to give you a big hug._

The last text had come through minutes ago, so Dan quickly replied hoping Phi would still be on his phone. 

Dan: _Phil everything hurts_

Phil: _Well that’s not something I wanted to hear my boyfriend say after I just spent two nights away from him_

Dan: _from the run you spork_

Phil: _I know I’m just teasing_

Dan: _I can’t even move_

Phil: _Well you haven’t exercised in months, your muscles aren’t used to it_

Dan: _I thought that was just a weights thing_

Phil: _Nah, running too_

Dan: _thanks for the warning_

Phil: _I didn’t know you were going for a run!_

Dan: _neither did I_

Phil: _So did you just wake up?_

Dan: _yeah_

Phil _: You should shower, it will help_

Dan _: but then I have to walk all the way to the shower_

Phil _: wow the whole 5 metres to the bathroom_

Dan _: i’m not even joking, Phil, my legs keep cramping up_

Phil: _well then you better roll over there_

Dan _: this whole exercise thing is stupid_

Phil _: I keep laughing and this business man looking guy keeps giving me weird stares_

Dan _: laugh louder and see what he does_

Phil: _no! It’s a silent carriage_

Dan: _hey, did you really drop 8 pizzas_

Phil: _actually I think it was 9, but yeah_

Dan _: who on earth asked you to carry them_

Phil: _I volunteered_

Dan: _oh Phil_

Phil: _Well I felt bad after being on the phone to you for so long_

Dan _: asking to carry the pizzas was probably the worst way to make up for it_

Phil _: probably. Hey I love chatting to you like this, but I kind of need to respond to some emails and stuff, that way we can spend the whole afternoon together_

Dan _: okay, as long as you get them all done. Once you get home I don’t want you more than an inch away from me at all times_

Phil _: haha. Make sure you have a shower soon!_

Dan _: yeah, yeah, have a good train ride_

Phil _: thanks see you soon! Love you_

Dan _: love you more_

Dan knew he probably should have a shower, but moving seemed like way too much effort. He’d get up soon, but for now he’d just close his eyes for a bit…

When Dan woke he was suddenly aware of arms around his stomach and a head buried in his chest. 

“Phil,” Dan exclaimed, opening his eyes to see his boyfriend cuddling him. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil, ignoring the pain in his back where Phil was squeezing him. 

“Dan! I hope I didn’t wake you. I just couldn’t resist hugging you.” Phil smiled, looking up at Dan.

“How long have you been here?” Dan asked. “You should have woken me!”

“Only a couple minutes.” Phil said. “I was going to let you sleep since you looked so cute!” Phil kissed Dan right in the middle of his bare chest.

“Is that the only kiss I get?” Dan asked, and Phil wriggled up to be level with Dan and kissed him on the lips. 

“Oh,” Dan moaned, kissing Phil back. “I’ve missed you so much.” 

“Hey,” Phil pulled away. “Are you still sore?”

“Oh, yeah, incredibly,” Dan gave a hallow laugh.

“Ah, sorry!” Phil started to pull his arms away from Dan.

“No!” Dan said, not wanting Phil to let go despite the pain. “I mean it hurts a little, but I like it.” 

“If you say so,” Phil put his arms around Dan again. “You’re so much nicer to hug than that Dan plushie,” 

“Well, I’d hope so, I wouldn’t want to be replaced,” Dan laughed.

“Never,” Phil said. “Hey where did the Phil plushie go?” Phil asked, noticing it wasn’t in it’s normal spot.

“I don’t know,” Dan said, forgetting where he had last put it. “Maybe he snuck away to find his Dan.” 

“Well I’m just glad I have my Dan,” Phil said, kissing Dan lightly on the lips. “Wait, so did you shower?”

“Err, no” Dan admitted. “I fell asleep again as soon as we finished texting. Hey, did you get those emails done?”

“Yes, so I am all yours all day.” Phil said and Dan felt a huge grin on his face. “So are we going to go shower together now?”

“What? Phil,” Dan blushed. “I don’t think I can, you know, at the moment, like I can barely move”

“No!” Phil laughed. “I didn’t mean sex! I mean if you had wanted to, but I was more meaning you need to have a shower to help your sore muscles. And I was going to come since you told me I couldn’t be further away than inch from you all day.”

“Phil I was joking,” Dan said. 

“Well I wasn’t,” Phil said seriously and Dan laughed.

“So you’re just going to watch me in the shower? Is this payback for the other day?” Dan asked, remembering watching Phil in the shower the other day. 

“Payback? No this is my reward,” Phil said and Dan rolled his eyes. “Besides, I honestly think you’ll need help getting there if you are serious about not being able to move.”

“Oh yeah,” Dan said, he hadn’t exactly thought through how he would even get in the shower.

“Come on, I’ll carry you there.” Phil said.

“What, you can’t carry me!” Dan protested.

“I’m strong,” Phil pouted.

“Phil you couldn’t carry 8 pizzas without dropping them.”

“Hey it was 9 pizzas, and the problem was they were just too light for me.”

“Clearly,” Dan rolled his eyes. Phil jumped out of bed.

“Now sit up,” Phil said, and Dan (with great difficulty) obliged. Phil put one arm under Dan’s knees, and one around his back.

“You’re just messing with me, right?” Dan asked, feeling slightly scared.

“Nope,” Phil, said picking Dan up right off the bed. “You’re the one who said you couldn’t move,”

Phil carried Dan across the room to the bathroom, and despite being terrified, Dan couldn’t help but laugh the whole time.

“I can’t believe you just carried me,” Dan said. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t think I would,” Phil laughed, placing Dan down on the side of the bath.

“Phil I honestly don’t think I can stand in the shower” Dan said, feeling his legs ache as attempted to stand up.

“Well if this is how you are after one run, you really need to do more exercise,” Phil said.

“Yeah, well this is why I don’t” Dan complained.

“I think I’ll run you a bath instead,” Phil said turning on the hot water. Dan managed to undress, and after a few minutes slid into the bath. The warm water felt amazing to his muscles. He could feel them relaxing already.

“You’re so beautiful, Dan” Phil smiled, looking over the bath edge. 

“Stop staring!” Dan said blushing, realizing Phil had full view of his naked body.

“You did the same thing to me the other day!” 

“Yeah, when you were standing up, and half obscured by steam,” Dan said, splashing water at Phil.

“Hey!” Phil said, blocking himself from the water. “You started it!”

“Whatever,” Dan said. “So what else happened at the party?” Dan let the warm water soak his muscles, while Phil relayed various anecdotes from the party, and other things that happened in his time away.

“I think I’ll probably get out now,” Dan said.

“Do you need help?” Phil offered his arms out, and Dan leaned on them on as he stepped out of the bath. Dan dried off and stumbled back into their bedroom to find some clothes.

“Well at least I can walk now,” Dan said “Sort off,” 

“Oh, I was hoping to carry you around all day,” Phil laughed.

“I don’t think you could manage the stairs without both of us ending up in hospital.”

“Maybe not…”

“Well thanks for helping,” Dan said, once he had finished getting dressed.

“I’m glad I was here!” Phil said, then leaned in and hugged Dan. Dan put one arm around Phil, and stroked Phil’s hair with the other.

“I love you Phil,” Dan said, leaning in for a kiss.

“I love you Dan,” Phil smiled, before his lips met Dan’s, Phil kissed Dan passionately, moving his hands to Dan’s hair, kissing him more intensely. Phil kissed Dan’s cheeks, his nose, his ears, his neck. Suddenly, Dan’s legs started wobbling. He guessed he needed more than just a bath to fully recover from his run. 

“Hey do you think we could relocate?” Dan laughed tilting his head to indicate the bed.

Phil grabbed Dan’s hand and they lay down on the bed, and resumed kissing. This time with their hands and legs entwined, bodies pressed together so there was no space between them. 

“So what’s the plan for the rest of the day?” Phil asked between kisses.

“This,” Dan said, as he once again met Phil’s lips with his own.

“I missed this,” Phil whispered, his blue eyes gazing into Dan’s. 

“Me too,” Dan smiled, looking forward to spending the whole day kissing Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thankyou so much for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts :) I really enjoyed writing this so I hope you enjoyed reading it.  
> I'm working on a new chaptered fic, which I will start posting in a few days!


End file.
